Wow it's been quite awhile since I've written a rant. It's been a bit too long. So long that now I write this rant out of necessity rather than out of leisure. As I result of that, most of my biting sarcasm will be replaced by solemnity. The situation is that I'm now really fucking frustrated with my fucked up life. I hate my life, myself and everything associated with it. It's come to the point where I just have to write all this shit and get it out of me in someway or another. I guess I choose my homepage cause I knew nobody would read it. (Hmm, maybe I was wrong about the droping of sarcasm)

As you've probably already figured out, this particular rant has to do with grades. More specifically (and obviously) this has to do with my grades. Recently my grades have decided to try to dig themselves to the other side of the earth. Last year my grades were a rather consistent A- between all of my classes. This year it's dropped down to about a C+. In math, my best subject, I'm getting a C. In English, now just the regular course instead of honors, I'm getting a B. In Physics I was getting an A+ but after the most recent test, the future does not look bright. I've got a B+ in AP US but that comes to no surprise. In general though, my grades are going down the shitter.

But then again they're only grades. No big deal and the first term isn't even over yet. I only wish I could have that same easy self-assurance. Unfortunately for me, a lot more depends on my grades than you think. My very life depends on it. I don't get good grades just to fulfill and ambition of a bright future. In fact I probably don't get good grades for that reason at all. Rather I try so damn hard in school to survive.

By sruvive I don't mean that I will literally be killed if I do not do well in school. However it can be interpreted to mean that, I would be the one killing myself if I got bad grades. In other words suicide. However it's much more complicated than just a situation of being unhappy with my grades and believing I have no future, it's believing that I have no value as a human being.

It relates to the general human desire to have some importance or meaning in society as well as Freudian pyschology. Those of you already familiar with pyschoanalysis can skip the next few paragraphs for the sake of avoiding repetition. Our minds are governed mostly by three primal forces. The Ego, the Superego, and the Id. The Id is the simplest of all our drives. The Id controls our drive for sex, hunger, and greed. Basically it drives one toward selfish gain.

The Superego is the polar opposite of the Id. The Superego is our drive to be accepted into society. The conscience and sense of guilt is centered around the Superego. The Superego is what drives us to be kind and generous so that society (other people) will accept us. One believes against doing anything bad to their fellow man because they think that if they were to harm their fellow man in any way, that man would hate him and reject him. A more tangible example would be that, you choose not to kill a man for his money, because you want to avoid the outcome of having that man's friends and family hate you. Basically, the Superego drives us to be loved.

In our much more complex minds, things still generally remain the same, we all need somebody to love. However the love concept is much more complex than just meeting your fated love. It can also be for respect, fame, or just to become a positive factor in society. What the Superego really controls, is our drive to make a positive impact in the minds of others. The Superego views the value of the individual based on how others see the individual. If the individual is not exactly the most fit in society, the Superego pushes harder and harder to make sacrifices for society and become accepted. If the individual remains unaccepted, the Superego pushes even harder. Eventually the Superego is pushed out of control.

When one believes that one has literally absolutely no positive benefit for society, in other words low self-esteem to its furthest extent, the Superego is pushed to it's limit. Urged on by the Superego, the individual makes the greatest possible sacrifice he or she possibly can, returning the body to the earth and society. In other words, suicide.

All this about the Superego but I have yet to get to the Ego. Last but not least, the ego is our sense of reason. It keeps the Id and Superego from spinning out of control. To be completely consumed by the Id would result in violence, selfishness, lust, and general savagery. To be consumed by the Superego, would result in suicide. The ego balances these two forces within what it believes are reasonable and appropriate limits. Insanity results when the ego borders are broken down.

Now after that short (or long) discussion, we're back to talking about me (Ah my favorite subject). As I mentioned before the Superego drives us to make a positive impact in the minds of others. Since I'm human this applies to me as well. Generally there are two possible ways to extablish oneself positively: 1) Love 2) Work. In method 1, if one had enough loved ones, especially a significant other, then the superego would be satisfied. In method 2, if one performed good works for society then the super ego would be satisfied. To work for society does not even have to involve curing cancer or anything incredible great, they just have to positively contribute through diligent work. In other words the opposite of theft, vandalism, etc.

Everyone of us needs to satisfy their superego through one or both of these methods. In my own situation: 1) Love? Heh, yeah right like that will ever happen. 2) Work? Can do. So far in my life I've been trying to give value to my life by working. My work being school work. It's also really only been working. There is no love in my life, or atleast not to the point where it is of any value, and I'm rather convinced that there never will be either. So I've really established my entire sense of value and existence on top of my grades. I am dependent on my grades.

So far, for the most part the plan has worked. As of recent though, the plan seems to be failing. As I mentioned above, I've been doing extremely poorly in school lately. Suddenly, I have no source of value or meaning to my life. Without any value to my life I am void of any reason to exist. I'm only a burden on society and should be eliminated for the general good of everyone. My Superego is deeply dis-satisfied and responds with pain and grief. Eventually, I may even be pushed to the limit and the ultimate sacrifice.