Yes that thing, the junior semiformal. It's like a trailer for the senior prom. It shows all the highlights and gives the entire story away without actually substantiating to anything worthwhile. At least it doesn't mean anything to certain people. At one point that included me. I rarely ever participate in any school events and whenever I do, I emerge from the experience disappointed and disenchanted. As with everything else, I felt that the semi was going to be another worthless event.

Note, I felt that. The use of past tense here is very important. As with all school events the semi rushed onto me out of nowhere. I didn't know it existed up till about a week ago. At first, I thought mention of it was stupid, since there was a lot of time before the semi, and I thought the entire event was meaningless anyways. However within that past week, mention of the semi was unavoidable. Everyone is talking about it despite how it's still about one and a half months away. Eventually I was drawn into the collective hysteria.

By being drawn into hysteria, I've realized that to simply put off the semi as stupid and overrated, is horridly arrogant. It'd be totally reasonable for someone who actually went to the semi to complain about how much it sucked. They've actually had the experience and can say firsthand that it sucked. However for some nerd who hasn't gone to a semi, probably isn't going to a semi (and probably wouldn't enjoy a semi anyways) to say that it's worthless experience, is really just overcompensation. To say they know what it's all about and know it's a load of bullshit is just an easy way to shut away their fear that they're a loser. It's an easy facesaving excuse for not going to the semi. However they (or rather we) have good reason to be so insecure.

The junior semi and the senior prom, no other events are worse for the world of nerds and losers such as myself. It's a time when certain people are drawn out from the crowd to the greatest point of isolation possible. It's a time when lonely, depressed, teens drink, binge eat, or both to a soft distant cry of a TV set. The very epitome of teen depression and loneliness. The ultimate expression of loser-dom.

Now if it still isn't obvious, I'm one of those losers. I'm one of those geeks who will probably find themselves alone with a bottle of spirits on semi night. However technically I don't have to be. I have the option of actually going to semi with a friend. (Also I'd like to note that going stag is totally out of the question. It seems too embarassing.) Some people have even wondered why I seem to think I'm not going to the semi. They think I have plenty of options. Then again there are also those who think I'm a complete loser and could never get to semi in my dreams, but truth is, I do have certain, though not plenty, options.

I'm well aware of my real situation however truth be told, I am unable to grasp my situation. I know I have options yet I feel as though they don't really exist. I have convinced myself that I truly am a lonely loser with no hope. Despite what my real situation is, I can not go to the semi because in my own mind I am a geek and people like me don't do things like that. People like me are lonely and pathetic, how could I possibly go to the semi? My own low self-esteem forces me to believe that I truly have no options.

However it's not just low self-esteem. It gets much more complicated and confusing. On the opposite extreme of low self-esteem, I have too much pride to go to the semi. If I do wind up going to the semi, it'd be as though I repudiated who I was. On one side I'm depressed and hate myself because I'm a worthless loser. On the other side I'm independent. I have odd, non-conformist tastes and beliefs and I'm damn proud of whom I am. If I were to go to semi, it'd be as though I completely renounced my independence and went to the semi like everyone else. It'd be as though I did the popular thing and went mainstream. I'd be a sell out.

And so this has become quite the conundrum. On one side my low-self esteem would want to kill itself alone on semi night, and on the other my pride would want to kill itself at semi night. My multiple personalities are currently trying to kill each other and either way I'm screwed. Whether or not I go to the semi, whatever I do will circle around and hurt me. (Thus the title of this rant "Semi-circling around". Hah, aren't I hilarious?) Maybe a little alcohol could atleast numb the affects of either side. It's certainly what I'm depending on for survival.

What I really need though, is for everyone to just shut up about it. I really don't think I could last another month and half with everyone as hysterical as they are. I've had so much bullshit I feel like I could tear my hair out.