It's been much too long since I've written anything. Thing is, there hasn't been much to write about. The past few months were more or less, peaceful. In case you were wondering I'm now talking to girl A from another rant again. I knew that wasn't going to last. My grades have actually been doing spectacularly well and everything has really just been swell. Until now, which is why I'm here now.

What has happened recently has been that I've lost someone who was once a very close friend of mine. No he didn't die, move away, or anything like that. Rather instead, he became an asshole and now I hate his fucking guts. Now he could go and fucking rot in hell and I wouldn't give a damn. But more importantly, I've discovered something more important about myself as a result of this whole experience.

It all seemed to start a few weeks ago when he first started acting hostile, or more accurately, being an asshole. I really don't think an asshole needs much description so I'll be brief. He's really just been making me out to be a moron and an asshole every chance he got. Everytime there was a window to make a fool out of me, he took it. Even when no one was around to listen he acted intentionally rude and pejorative to me and only me. And for absolutely no reason.

I have not changed at all in the past few months and many people can testify to that. I truly have remained constant however this friend of mine, seemed to suddenly want to be an asshole to me and only me. It all started one evening, when we had a really crappy night out. The alcohol was watered down, the only available seats in the theater were in the front row to the side, and it wasn't even a very good movie. After that evening, which I guess he blames me for, he just suddenly became an asshole.

At first I reacted with shock. There was no reason for his actions they just suddenly started. For a while I gave him some time. I figured he must have been going through some sort of PMS and it was just a bad time for him for some reason I was unaware of. I was fair. I acted the same as usual. If it was just a bad time, surely it would've been over in a few weeks or something. A few weeks later, I hate that bastard.

I really can't stress how much I hate him. If anybody treated me the way he did, I would hate their guts regardless of who they were. I gave him a few weeks and he only showed me his ass. I didn't try to vindicate myself for his attitude (and still haven't) and I've been nothing besides civil towards his hostility. Yet despite lacking any reason, he remains headstrong in his disposition. Well fuck him.

Then I stopped talking to him. I hate him, he hates me, lack of communication is for the best on the behalf of both parties. I didn't come to this conclusion without much thought. I gave him his chance to prove he wasn't just an ass. I thought about many reasons why he might have a good reason to hate me. I hadn't specifically done anything wrong so maybe my personality had changed recently to make him hate me. For a while I thought maybe I had been too arrogant and elitist lately (also many of his derisive comments built off of my elitism). However I was completely wrong. I spoke to a lot of people and they all agreed. I had done nothing wrong and for some reason he just flipped. I had not been elitist, arrogant or anything. It all seemed to happen for no reason. They told me all he said was that, "Yeah Tian's been really annoying recently."

Not only was I utterly wrong in assuming his motive to hate me, but I completely overestimated his level of complexity. He didn't think I was being pretentious, arrogant, or anything. Just "annoying". I thought he was the type who was too proud of himself to be around someone who was similarly proud and confident. I dreamt up all this he may have thought about dominance in a relationship such as who toadies around who or who leads who. Perhaps the power had shifted so he became discontent. But no, I was just "annoying". I massively overshot his level of sophistication.

So now we mutually hated each other, but that wasn't the end of things. Eventually another very close friend of mine (let's call him guy B and that bastard I hate guy A) comes up to me after hearing that guy A and I weren't exactly alright. He says that for whatever I did, I should just apologize. Although I did not make it apparent, I was fucking outraged. I was supposed to apologize for doing absolutely nothing. He was being the asshole and I was supposed to apologize. Well fuck that.

However what really angered me about guy B, was that he took guy A's side without even hearing anything I had to say. As though it was instinctual that what A had to say would automatically be more valid and right than anything I ahd to say, he simply sided with A. Guy A, B, and I were once really close friends, but now I realized I was stupid for ever thinking we were close. Oh sure A and B are close no problem. Just look how quickly one took the other's side without even taking a look at the situation. They were close friends to each other, just not to me.

Now after so long I finally figured it out. I had no close friends. That was the real truth of the matter. I had no close friends and yet I thought I did. I must have looked so foolish. As a result of this whole experience I've become very unfriendly. I've been less talkative, less amiable, and much more suspicious. Infact now I'm just paranoid. Now I'm constantly questioning everybody's motive and I trust nobody. I've become extremely cynical and lonely and I don't regret any of it. I've realized that atleast for someone like me, there is no such thing as true friends. Comraderieship is a fraud.

What do I do from here? Well who knows...